I Got This

So it turns out that living with a bunch of dudes tends to make you think that you can not only sit around hitting the bong and watching Toddlers & Tiaras like one of the guys…

Ahem.

…but also that you can throw back calories like one.

I can probably count the types of vegetables I’ve eaten in the past month on one hand. The varieties of corn chips and processed cheese products, though? Oh, the many. Those size 6 jeans I was oh so happy to purchase two months ago are starting to fit like a muffin tin.

Never fear, though, The Internet has my back(fat)! I’ve narrowed it down to three effortless, completely fail-proof methods to whip myself back into shape:

1. Wash away the fat!

There is a product that actually claims to have the ability to reduce your body fat by 20% just by you slathering it on in the shower, thanks to extracts from a rare seaweed. Seems legit, right? Fuck jogging.

2. Get a phone. 2 a) Attach dumbbell to phone. 2 b) Answer phone repeatedly.

Screw pushups. Thanks Japan!

3. The future’s so fat, I gotta wear blue shades.

Apparently blue is the most unappetizing color, since it’s so rare in nature. So, all we have to do is make food look blue and we won’t want to eat it anymore! Up yours, dieting.

I’ll let you know how it works out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go watch a three year old get a bikini wax on TLC.

I Feel Like Blogging!

Oh hey, I still have a blog!

My life has gone from mildly ridiculous to full on freak show during my absence. Long story extremely short, my household has gained two dudes and lost a dog.

Tune in here for the My Three Husbands show.

It's nothing like this.

Expect tips on how to feed five people with a package of oatmeal and a bottle of ketchup…or how to begin your own regimen to avoid cheap wine hangovers. And by regimen I mean drinking continuously at $2.77/bottle until you become immune.

Look for me in your comment boxes, bitches!

Up Yours, Holidays

It’s December 11th and I’ve already been assaulted by Christmas music every time I walk into a store for a month and tacky decorations covering my neighbors’ lawns whenever I look out my window.

No, I don’t have a tree up. No, I haven’t bought a single gift. Why? 1. I have no money. Yeah, the toilet scrubbing job fell through. 2. I don’t give a fuck. SPOILER ALERT: God’s not real. So, I don’t really care about the religious connotations. But let’s face it, that’s not what it’s about anymore anyway. My kid has enough cheaply made plastic, lead paint covered toys to overflow a landfill when I chuck them into the trash because he won’t pick them up off the damned floor already, thanks.

And I’ve already gained enough fat on my ass this year that I don’t really need another excuse to eat 5,000 calories a day.

Also, if I really gave a shit about my friends and family, they would know it every month of the year. Not just when I go out and buy them the cheapest but most expensive looking useless gift I can find at the last minute.

The materialism and greed makes me want to projectile vomit eggnog.

Happy Holidays!

Today’s Combo Word: Vlog!

I don’t know why the audio is so off once I upload it to YouTube….next time I’ll try the YouTube recorder. Anyway, chime in people!

Throat Punch Thursday

Guess what. It’s all but summer up in here! Great news, right?

Only if you’re ready to die.

Summer is a death trap, it turns out.

Skin cancer? Check.

Water waiting to drown you, your toddler and your dog? Check.

Crippling flip flops that will leave your body permanently deformed? Check.

Blood thirsty, disease carrying insects? Check.

Toxic macaroni salad? Check.

You see, every time you find something enjoyable, there is one person waiting in the wings waiting to shit all over your parade.

And that person is…Dr. Oz.

Be sure to stay tuned to find out about every single item in your household that COULD POSSIBLY KILL YOU!

Dear Dr Oz,

You, Sir, are an alarmist douchebag making money off of people’s fear and paranoia. You make me nauseous. If I want to be fear mongered I will watch Fox News.

You suck.

Throat Punch!

Whew!

Guess Who’s Back Bitches

Backstreet.

Hah.

No.

I’m back. If you wanna be my friend you have to endure a little self pitying withdrawal fest once in a while. That’s just how I roll. You’ll get used to it.

Anywhoz,

I was driving along the other day, when I notice in front of me a van with the following lettered across the back window:

‘ChildProofers of Wisconsin- Simple Solutions for a Safe Home’

What. The fuck.

It really takes a professional to tell you to put the knives away and move the lighters and bong to a higher shelf?

For starters, when I was a kid I sure as hell don’t remember ever seeing a baby gate or outlet cover in my house.

When little caveman babies got too close and fell into the fire, did they start fencing them off with little prehistoric baby gates? No. That baby didn’t grow up and contribute to the gene pool.

And our species is better off for it.

If you must insist on reversing natural selection, at least use common fucking sense instead of paying some douchebag who calls themself a “professional babyproofer.”

For fuck’s sake!

Oh, and expect me to get back to stalking all your asses too.

See you soon! <3

Yeah, I Suck

Meh.

I haven’t been posting lately. Why? Because I’m depressed as hell and I’m a bitter little bitch.

I don’t want to post about how I’m so broke I have to skip a bill or two every month to buy groceries or about how I can’t seem to get even a shitty part time minimum wage job and I’ll never get to go to school and woe is me I hate my life, blah blah fucking blah.

I also haven’t been reading many of you because, like I said, I’m a fucking bitter bitch and I don’t want to hear about how you’re graduating college or got a sweet new job or how you’re going on an expensive vacation with your perfect spouse or spending the weekend at the spa, or can’t decide whether you want to become a lawyer or a doctor.

So,

until I have something other than negativity* to spread around, I’ll probably be staying pretty quiet.

I’ll be back.

*Obviously this blog is built on negativity, but I mean negativity that isn’t even entertaining.

Throat Punch Thursday

[originated by I Run with Scissors]

I know I haven’t been blogging much lately. I’ve been sucked into other parts of the internetz. But, when I glanced up from my computer last night and caught a glimpse of the news, I knew I had to take time for Throat Punch Thursday today.

What did I see on my local news program? This:

[These morons were protesting the repeal of the 'Don't Ask, Don't Tell' policy, which is a whooole other blog post in these parts.]

Of course I’ve seen this before, (not that it helps me dry heave any less each time) but what really caught my attention is that the news anchor kept referring to these people as “Anti Gay Activists”.

Seriously?

Seriously?

Can you imagine the uproar if this this were a group claiming to be, say, “Anti Hispanic Activists”…..or “Anti Woman Activists” or even, say, “Anti Intersex Activists” (yep, that’s the new term for hermaphrodite).

Oh, but right, it’s acceptable in this case because God is involved. They have proof. It’s right in their Bible. That they got from church. Which is supposed to be separate from the fucking state, which means it has no place in the support or protest of any legislative matter. Buuut, I’m getting off track.

Let’s just say, for argument’s sake, that there is a God. And for whatever reason, he wants us to spend our time parading around like jackasses, holding up hate-promoting signage. Why not pick some other things from his book? I mean, there are plenty of other messages of hate to be plucked from the Bible, why do those attention whore gays get all the pretty signs?

Never fear, Le Meh is here, for all of your misguided, self serving, hand selected, bible based protest sign needs!

Leviticus 19:27: “You shall not round off the side-growth of your heads nor harm the edges of your beard.”

Leviticus 11:8, discussing pigs: “You shall not eat of their flesh nor touch their carcasses; they are unclean to you.”

A two-fer!

Leviticus 19:28:  “You shall not make any cuts in your body for the dead nor make any tattoo marks on yourselves: I am the Lord.

Leviticus 19:19: “You are to keep My statutes. You shall not breed together two kinds of your cattle; you shall not sow your field with two kinds of seed, nor wear a garment upon you of two kinds of material mixed together.

Leviticus 11:10: “But whatever is in the seas and in the rivers that does not have fins and scales among all the teeming life of the water, and among all the living creatures that are in the water, they are detestable things to you.”

Be sure to bust this one out at your little princess’s The Little Mermaid sleepover.  Hey, God hates who he hates. I’m just the messenger.

Because it’s a whole lot easier to pick something out of your holy book that you can despise when it doesn’t apply to you. I mean, let’s face it,  it’s way more convenient to pick a day every couple of years to parade around with a gay bashing sign than it is to give up eating pork or wearing fabric blends.

And if society lets you get away with claiming to be an “activist”, well, then it’s totally okay.

Right?

No.

THROAT PUNCH!

I will from now on be referring to myself as an Anti Bible Thumping Ignorant Redneck Fuck Activist. I will accept AB TIRF Activist for short.

Thankyouverymuch.

Friendtastic Friday 4/30

That’s right, Friendtastic Friday is back (and finally has it’s own graphic)! And I have some kickass bloggers for you to befriend!

First, I send you to meet Heather at Boyfriend Challenged, where she reports the honest, sometimes brutal, and usually hilarious reality of living chronically single.

Next, I must let you in on Annabelle at I’ll Tell You Anyway. Seriously, stop what you’re doing and go read this blog. If you like my bad attitude (and clearly you do if you’re still reading) you will love hers. And she gets to add dating to the mix. Hilarity and sarcasm ensue.

I love the word ensue.

Anyway….go! Read! Thank me later.

Throat Punch Thursday

Yeah yeah, I realize I haven’t posted in almost a week and you’re all crying into your beers, dying for a word from me.

What can I say, some months I have the crazy, rant-happy PMS, and some months I have the anti-social, just pretend I don’t exist variety. You’ll get used to it.

Anywhooz,

It’s time again for Throat Punch Thursday, originated by I Run with Scissors.

Who has incurred my wrath this week, you ask?

The honor this Thursday day goes toooooooooo:

Facebook Dramatards!

Social media is the death of healthy social interactions. What the fuck is wrong with the picture when people can’t even have one on one arguments anymore? Instead it takes place 100% through passive aggressive “status updates” addressing no one in particular, though clearly meant for someone quite particular indeed.

I’ve done it. I bet you’ve done it.

When did we become such socially retarded pussies?

Whatever happened to the days when if you had a beef with your friend, you fucking called them or met up and discussed it like adults? Or punched  each other in the face a few times and then got over it.

Whatever.

Though we’ve all done it a time or two, everyone has a king/queen of internet drama somewhere in their list of friends. Every week they have some kind of end-of-the-world cat fight catastrophe going down on their page.

And to you, Facebook Dramatard,

THROAT PUNCH!

You fucking suck.

I feel better.