How to be a Douchebag in 10 Easy Steps

13 01 2010

What makes someone a douchebag? What makes this special insult stand out from other commonly used slights, like “asshole”, “jackass” or “dick-face”? You see, to be a douchebag, you must combine the classic traits of a thoughtless jerk, and add an over-inflated sense of self worth; an air of confidence completely out of line with the reality of the lack of awesomeness you posess.

I give to you…

How to be a Douchebag (in 10 Easy Steps!):

1. Do whatever it takes to look like a Ken doll. Fake and bake. Stock up on hair gel. Run, don’t walk, to the nearest Abercrombie and Fitch or Aeropostal. Spend an inordinate amount of time at the gym. While you’re there be sure to scoff and look disgusted at anyone who is in physical condition inferior to yours.

2. Womanize, womanize, womanize. Brag often about all the hot chicks you bang. Impress your friends and everyone else within earshot with stories of drunken threesomes, giant implants and body shots. Make sure these classy ladies resemble the Barbie to your Ken, and most importantly, never, ever take a woman seriously.

3. Alternate saying “fuck” and “dude” after every other word. Literally.

4. Use racial, cultural and other derogatory slurs as often as possible. Remember, being a douchebag is all about artificially inflating your ego. Minorities are there to allow you to cover your own insecurities with hate-spewing and make you feel better-than.

5. Never let anyone forget how much you can drink. Post pictures of yourself doing keg stands and playing beer pong on Facebook and Myspace. Don’t forget photos of those above mentioned body shots! Be sure to include a catchy tagline like “I’ll outdrink all ya’ll bitches!”

6. Always retain your moral superiority. No matter how many skanks you bang, STDs you spread, or kids you paralyze drunk-driving, always judge others at least twice as harshly as you judge yourself. Use religion to make easy targets out of those whose lifestyles don’t mimic your own. Choose pieces of your religious text of choice that make it easy to ostracize others while ignoring the parts that pertain to your own debauchery. Bonus points if you can manage to make a career out of this mockery, ala Joel Osteen.

7. Pretend to be an expert in areas you know nothing about. Go toe to toe with a mechanic in a discussion about cars, argue with a computer technician about hardware specs. Never back down and refuse to admit that you look like an idiot.

8. Communicate via text whenever possible even though your spelling and grammar resembles that of a 4 year-old. Join every social networking site you can find and post grossly misspelled status updates on the hour. Scour hot girls’ Facebook pages for their phone numbers and start texting them indecipherable pick-up lines. Refuse to acknowledge the difference between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’. Ever.

9. Live with your parents until you’re 35. You need the money from your job at Pac Sun for booze and impressing bar whores. Mom and dad will understand.

10. Have kids, but don’t let them slow you down. Use them to reel in chicks. Impress your friends with their expansive vocabulary of vulgarities. The next generation of douchebags is depending on you.