If you host a children’s show you’re creepy and I hate you

7 03 2010

What on Mother Nature’s green earth is wrong with the hosts of childrens’ TV shows?

If you thought the disturbing disturbingness of kids’ entertainers disappeared along with Paul Ruebens‘ career, you obviously haven’t had young children in your house in the past ten years.

Case in point:

Yo Gabba Gabba, hosted by the creepiest host ever to grace any form of entertainment evereverever: DJ Lance Rock.

Is there really any explanation necessary? I mean, the WTFuckery is just overwhelming. DJ Lance hangs out in green screen land with his crew of freak-show companions, named things like Foofa and Muno, who looks like a lot like one of those Giant Microbes VD dolls. He sings songs to your kids telling them to send him naked pictures Look Both Ways and Please Don’t Throw Things at Friends.

He also weighs about 85 lbs, wears an orange microfiber mop weave, a unitard and Revlon 630.

Take it back a few years and we have the king of both 90’s preschool entertainment and green stripes: Steve, of Blue’s Clues.

Steve* lives in a house with no human companions. That’s okay, though, because Steve loves LSD. Or at least that’s the only explanation I can come up with for why he takes advice from his household appliances. Steve’s best friends include his end table, salt and pepper shakers, and of course, his blue cartoon dog, Blue. Unlike the house’s furniture and even the cat from next door, Blue can’t speak. So she plays a little game where she leaves clues for Steve to find to figure out what the hell she’s trying to say. But Steve is so incredibly high that he can’t ever quite grasp what’s going on, so he invites your kids over every day to help him put it all together. At the end of Steve’s run on the show, he went off to college to learn about space and music……wha?

Back to present-day creepology, sometimes freaky kid hosts are a package deal. And sometimes these packages play hideous, creepy music that will haunt your dreams for years to come. Enter The Wiggles.

The Wiggles are four grown Australian men with a passion for creating annoying songs for kids. And primary colors. The creepiest part about The Wiggles (apart from the fact that they descended from a failed 80’s pop band called The Cockroaches) is the droves of soccer mom Wiggles groupies. I hope I never find out just how deprived you have to be to start finding a middle aged man wearing one of the colors in a Denny’s four pack of crayons, driving a red plastic car and singing about Bouncing Balls sexy.

*I don’t really hate Steve Burns, and in fact I actually kind of love him post Blue’s Clues. Check out his album (for adults), Songs for Dustmites.

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7 responses

7 03 2010
Crazy Brunette

Duuuuuude, I think I’d totally do Steve now!

He’s kinda hot in a freakified way!!!

I FUCKING HATE Yo Gabba Gabba! I’d rather gouge my fucking eyes out!

7 03 2010
amburgular

I would totally bang the new Steve. In the old thinkin chair.

And seriously….I feel like there is some kind of hotline I should be calling every time I see that yo gabba gabba freak appear. Totally worth canceling my fucking cable!

8 03 2010
Ashley

I know right??? AND I FUCKING HAAAAAAAAAATE THE WONDER PETS!!!!

8 03 2010
amburgular

OMG I know……the duck. With the speech impediment……STFU duck!!!

7 03 2010
andhari

I used to be pretty freaked out by Steve. Blue’s Clues is creepy! Good for him if he’s “decent” now 😀

7 03 2010
amburgular

He’s totally got the kind of hot indie thing going on these days. Love your blog and HUSH.

10 03 2010
Tina

Ha. You said “unitard.”

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