Strip my mind

18 03 2010

I’m having what I call a ‘reflective’ day today.

One where I can’t seem to step out of my own mind.

My quarterlife crisis rages on and I get the impression that it will continue until the point where I can just switch over to calling it a midlife crisis.

A lifelong friend of mine just called me to share the great news that she is now officially a nurse. (Congratulations Brookie!)

This brings up the inevitable question to myself…..what the hell am I doing with my life? The answer seems to be….not much.

This is not what I pictured for myself at 25. In fact, it is so far from what I pictured that I sometimes want to double-check to make sure that I wasn’t abducted by aliens at some point.

I still want the same things for myself that I wanted when I was 18. I have just somehow made it impossible to get them.

I want to be an addictions counselor. There, I actually put it out there in black and white for probably the first time since I was 17.

I know I have qualities that allow me to listen to people without judgment and to have sympathy while remaining objective. I know I have a gift for getting people to open up to me. Sometimes people I’ve barely even met. I know that I have had an inside view into the life and mindset of an addict more than once. I know that I want to help people improve their lives and be able to view themselves in a positive light, and understand the causes for the behavior that led them to self-destruction.

I think about this often.

But then, reality settles in.

How would I ever manage to put myself through school? The Balls and Chain makes too much money for me to qualify for significant financial aid. Even if I go into massive student loan debt…..what would I do with my kid? How could I afford childcare without bringing in more money?

Even if I did pull it off…..what if I fail? What if I lose interest? What if I discover that I can’t handle dealing with addicts after all? What if I’m not smart enough to get through school? What if my health goes down the shitter again? What if I can’t function through my anxiety? What if, what if, what if….

I feel like something goes to waste every day that I sit in this house watching Blue’s Clues and making peanut butter sandwiches.

But, maybe I’m just overestimating my own potential.

Maybe this is the place I’m in because it’s all I’m good enough for.

Or maybe not.

I really don’t know.

Meh.

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5 responses

18 03 2010
Tina

I feel very similar. I’m tired of feeling like the only person I know without a real career/grown up job. I know what I’d like to do–sort of–but I didn’t take the right path originally and getting on the right path without paying for a bunch more school is annoyingly difficult.

19 03 2010
DrBrainspiller

I think that most people in our age group feel like this at some point.I know that I do anyway. I just try to focus more on the positive aspects of my life. A little reflection every now and again never hurt anyone though. πŸ™‚

23 03 2010
Magpie

I’m 23 and after years of just bopping around doing nothing in particular finally dragged my ass back to college this year. I’m skint, I am failing one of my classes and it is terrifying (failing is just NOT AN OPTION this year because I don’t have the funds to pay for repeating), but fuck it, at least I’m trying. I advise you to go for it because yes, sometimes I start hyperventilating and wondering ‘what was I THINKING? I can’t DO this!’ but overall I like it and most of the time it just feels like school.

Really, you should just go for it. I believe you can do it!

23 03 2010
Brooke

Ok first of all. Thanks for the congrats. Second of all i want to bitch slap you πŸ™‚ because i know how you feel i have had all those feelings of fear about failure losing interest and so on Shit i did lose intrest for a while there but it wasnt in my profession it was just in school after 6 years it gets old but i kept on truckin and here i am… its normal you just have to take that chance. yes there will be panic attacks and anxiety and stress and flat out nervous breakdowns but keeping your eyes on the end result and the big picture helps . and third take the advice that you dish out. you want to help others think positive well in reading this i seen no positive thought and in sight on yourself! i think..no i know you would be an excellent counseler of any sort. and as far as student loan debt.. im over 30 grand in the whole with it but i know i will be able to pay that when im done and the 30 grand will be well worth it. as far as child care you just take extra loans out to pay for it… when youre 30 grand in whats a few more grand because when all is said and done that extra hundred a month that seems like a lot now will only make a minut dent into your paycheck. I love ya to death but sometimes i just have to lay it out for ya πŸ™‚ i know someday all your dreams will become reality sometimes it just takes longer then planned. it only makes you a stronger person to have all the obsticals to overcome in the process. i know while you read this you will be thinking ugh! you bitch! but lol what are real freinds for, to tell it the way it is right? dont hate me because i love ya πŸ™‚

23 03 2010
amburgular

Oh Brookie……I love yourface.

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