You’re super nice. Let’s not be friends.

13 04 2010

I consider myself to be a good person overall.

Stop laughing.

I’m polite to strangers. If I’m not in a bad mood I’ll probably stop to help you pick up your dropped groceries. I won’t even complain (out loud) when you proclaim, “God bless you” afterward.

If you’re an acquaintance or above, I’ll listen to you talk about topics I am not remotely interested in. I’ll give all the appropriate “Oh wow”s and “uh huh”s.

If you’re lucky enough (I said stop laughing) to be one of the elite few I call my closest friends, I’ll likely do anything within my power to help you out. I’ll give up my time and energy even to my own detriment.

However, I wouldn’t necessary call myself nice.

[Janeane Garafalo- not sweet (but awesome)]

Obviously, I enjoy vulgar language. I mean, I’m no Crazy Brunette Chick, but I have my moments, and quite frequently.

I make fun of people mercilessly, mostly behind their backs.

I don’t sugarcoat it when things (or people) suck, and that includes parenting and marriage.

I could be a professor of sarcasm. You know, “Anger’s ugly cousin.”

If you find yourself constantly described as “so nice!”, “really nice” or “sweet”, you don’t want to hang out with me. And frankly, I don’t want to be your friend.

[Jessica Simpson- sweet]

If you’ve never referred to your kid as a “little fucker”…

If you’ve never had the joy of laughing until you cry or piss your pants over making fun of some dumbass with  your friends…

If you refuse to discuss religion or politics for fear that you may offend someone…

If your primary topics of conversation include how cute your kid’s song about poop is, how wonderful your husband is or how beautifully clean and organized your home is….

we are not a good match. I will always wonder what the fuck is going on inside that nice head of yours.

I will be looking forward to the day when you snap and develop a second personality ala Me, Myself and Irene.

So, rock on with your nice self. Somewhere ese. And I will probably mock you behind your back. Because we all know that when no one is around, you’re screaming “fuck you, douchebag!” right along with the rest of us.

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15 responses

13 04 2010
Andy

I fucking love your checklist… Don’t forget to add “Calling a child a little bastard”

13 04 2010
amburgular

That kid had it coming. Bwahahaha

13 04 2010
Faux Trixie

Overly saccharine people irritate me for reasons I can’t explain. No one is that nice.

13 04 2010
amburgular

Exactly, because you know it has to be fake. Who knows what’s lurking under that plastic exterior!

13 04 2010
Annabelle

…. Are we related?

13 04 2010
Kara

I can’t deal with it either. They’re either too fake, or they’re real, I can’t be around them for fear of saying something snarky and reducing them to tears. I’m not a mean bitch or anything, but I love to be sarcastic, shallow, and judgemental sometimes. Okay, most of the time. I’m glad to find I’m not alone.

13 04 2010
amburgular

Don’t be ashamed to fly your bitch flag! Bwahaha…..totally checking out your blog!

16 04 2010
Kara

Unfortunately, the place I’d most like to let the bitch flag fly is with some of my students’ parents, and I’m sure my job, which I do love, would be put in jeopardy if I were to do so… Shit, damn, motherfucker!

13 04 2010
Ashley

Oh, dude I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!

Ha… And here I thought I was the only one who referred my kids as ‘little fuckers’!

Now I don’t feel like I should be turned into SRS!!!!

I mother fucking HATE people who politely say, “Oh, we just shouldn’t talk about religious views or political views during dinner…” or whatever fucking occasion.

Why the fuck not? I’ve got fucking opinions about the shit. I don’t give one rats ass what YOUR opinion is. I KNOW you’re wrong and I’d be happy to argue with you all you want. I won’t fucking hate you afterward or anything… FUCK!

More than likely I already thought they were dumbfucks and already hated them anyway. Whats one more reason right?

Thanks for mentioning me bitch!

13 04 2010
amburgular

Oh you crazy bitch….can you imagine the dinner conversation we’d have? GAWD you’re such an AWESOMEFACE! ♥♥♥

13 04 2010
Ashley

Can you imagine the what people AROUND us would be thinking…

“Oh FUCK! What the hell am I doing here?”

We’d start all kinds of shit!!!!!

13 04 2010
Heather

Hahahah I love this list. And while I would consider myself “nice”… I am incredibly blunt. I don’t do the behind your back thing.. if I don’t say it to someone’s face, I don’t say it at all. Sometimes that’s good, sometimes that’s bad.

Here’s to being amazing friends to the people we like! And complete bitches to the people we don’t!

13 04 2010
amburgular

Cheers to that!!

13 04 2010
suki

What’s odd is that I am much nicer on the interwebs than I am in person. :p

28 04 2010
Nacia Walsh

I used to want to be one of those people that others refer to as ” Oh she is so nice”. I realized that I’d rather they say “She knows how to keeps her kids from being delinquents” or “She’s a bitch sometimes, but will always tell you the truth” or “Damn that girl can put down some whiskey”. Being nice is overrated.

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