Throat Punch Thursday

3 06 2010

Guess what. It’s all but summer up in here! Great news, right?

Only if you’re ready to die.

Summer is a death trap, it turns out.

Skin cancer? Check.

Water waiting to drown you, your toddler and your dog? Check.

Crippling flip flops that will leave your body permanently deformed? Check.

Blood thirsty, disease carrying insects? Check.

Toxic macaroni salad? Check.

You see, every time you find something enjoyable, there is one person waiting in the wings waiting to shit all over your parade.

And that person is…Dr. Oz.

Be sure to stay tuned to find out about every single item in your household that COULD POSSIBLY KILL YOU!

Dear Dr Oz,

You, Sir, are an alarmist douchebag making money off of people’s fear and paranoia. You make me nauseous. If I want to be fear mongered I will watch Fox News.

You suck.

Throat Punch!

Whew!





Guess Who’s Back Bitches

1 06 2010

Backstreet.

Hah.

No.

I’m back. If you wanna be my friend you have to endure a little self pitying withdrawal fest once in a while. That’s just how I roll. You’ll get used to it.

Anywhoz,

I was driving along the other day, when I notice in front of me a van with the following lettered across the back window:

‘ChildProofers of Wisconsin- Simple Solutions for a Safe Home’

What. The fuck.

It really takes a professional to tell you to put the knives away and move the lighters and bong to a higher shelf?

For starters, when I was a kid I sure as hell don’t remember ever seeing a baby gate or outlet cover in my house.

When little caveman babies got too close and fell into the fire, did they start fencing them off with little prehistoric baby gates? No. That baby didn’t grow up and contribute to the gene pool.

And our species is better off for it.

If you must insist on reversing natural selection, at least use common fucking sense instead of paying some douchebag who calls themself a “professional babyproofer.”

For fuck’s sake!

Oh, and expect me to get back to stalking all your asses too.

See you soon! ❤