I Got This

5 10 2011

So it turns out that living with a bunch of dudes tends to make you think that you can not only sit around hitting the bong and watching Toddlers & Tiaras like one of the guys…

Ahem.

…but also that you can throw back calories like one.

I can probably count the types of vegetables I’ve eaten in the past month on one hand. The varieties of corn chips and processed cheese products, though? Oh, the many. Those size 6 jeans I was oh so happy to purchase two months ago are starting to fit like a muffin tin.

Never fear, though, The Internet has my back(fat)! I’ve narrowed it down to three effortless, completely fail-proof methods to whip myself back into shape:

1. Wash away the fat!

There is a product that actually claims to have the ability to reduce your body fat by 20% just by you slathering it on in the shower, thanks to extracts from a rare seaweed. Seems legit, right? Fuck jogging.

2. Get a phone. 2 a) Attach dumbbell to phone. 2 b) Answer phone repeatedly.

Screw pushups. Thanks Japan!

3. The future’s so fat, I gotta wear blue shades.

Apparently blue is the most unappetizing color, since it’s so rare in nature. So, all we have to do is make food look blue and we won’t want to eat it anymore! Up yours, dieting.

I’ll let you know how it works out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go watch a three year old get a bikini wax on TLC.

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It’s cool, sinuses

15 04 2010

It’s not like I need to breathe through my nose or anything. I mean, that’s what my mouth is for, right?

Besides, you’re obviously busy pumping out mucus like Michelle Duggar shits out kids.

It’s cool.





You’re super nice. Let’s not be friends.

13 04 2010

I consider myself to be a good person overall.

Stop laughing.

I’m polite to strangers. If I’m not in a bad mood I’ll probably stop to help you pick up your dropped groceries. I won’t even complain (out loud) when you proclaim, “God bless you” afterward.

If you’re an acquaintance or above, I’ll listen to you talk about topics I am not remotely interested in. I’ll give all the appropriate “Oh wow”s and “uh huh”s.

If you’re lucky enough (I said stop laughing) to be one of the elite few I call my closest friends, I’ll likely do anything within my power to help you out. I’ll give up my time and energy even to my own detriment.

However, I wouldn’t necessary call myself nice.

[Janeane Garafalo- not sweet (but awesome)]

Obviously, I enjoy vulgar language. I mean, I’m no Crazy Brunette Chick, but I have my moments, and quite frequently.

I make fun of people mercilessly, mostly behind their backs.

I don’t sugarcoat it when things (or people) suck, and that includes parenting and marriage.

I could be a professor of sarcasm. You know, “Anger’s ugly cousin.”

If you find yourself constantly described as “so nice!”, “really nice” or “sweet”, you don’t want to hang out with me. And frankly, I don’t want to be your friend.

[Jessica Simpson- sweet]

If you’ve never referred to your kid as a “little fucker”…

If you’ve never had the joy of laughing until you cry or piss your pants over making fun of some dumbass with  your friends…

If you refuse to discuss religion or politics for fear that you may offend someone…

If your primary topics of conversation include how cute your kid’s song about poop is, how wonderful your husband is or how beautifully clean and organized your home is….

we are not a good match. I will always wonder what the fuck is going on inside that nice head of yours.

I will be looking forward to the day when you snap and develop a second personality ala Me, Myself and Irene.

So, rock on with your nice self. Somewhere ese. And I will probably mock you behind your back. Because we all know that when no one is around, you’re screaming “fuck you, douchebag!” right along with the rest of us.





Survey says

8 04 2010

Ahh, Day Time Television,

I had forgotten that there is a reason I broke it off with you.

Sure, we may meet up occasionally for a friends-with-benefits quickie, but I could never take you seriously.

You draw me in with promises of a 76 lb manorexic, only to insert into my head the notion that I am too tall to live to 100, and will die a painful death of liver failure if my legs aren’t at least 29 inches long.

Then, you yell at me and insult me by insinuating that I can’t read…

and drive the point home by convincing me that I am, in fact, an imbecile who should have never been allowed to graduate from elementary school.

I’m going to need some time to get over this, DTT.

Now please excuse me while I go measure my inseam.

PS: I’ve decided to make a page for Le Meh on Facebook and take the link to my personal page down so I can use it for the more “real life” obligations. So, check the sidebar and become a fan!





Get Yer Binoculars Out!

5 04 2010

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and summer is fast approaching. This means if you start paying attention, you may be able to have the  prestigious pleasure of catching an early glimpse of this season’s (not so) elusive creature:

The Douchebaguette.


While Douchebags are easy to spot running rampant year-round, the Douchebaguette mainly shows her true colors in summer. As soon as the temperature outside reaches 60ºF, the Douchebaguette can no longer resist the urge to break out the ass-cheek baring shorts. You see, they have been paying good money all year to get their orange glow fake n’ bake tan ready for this very moment.

Douchebaguettes share several traits with their Douchebag counterparts, such as:

  • preoccupation with physical appearance, exhibited by behaviors such as excessive tanning and gym obsession. Douchebaguettes may also show signs of body modification, such as acrylic fingernails, breast implants and hair extensions.
  • Ignorance, blissful or otherwise.
  • Tendency to pose for photos holding alcoholic beverages.

Other giveaways include:

  • skunk-like two-tone, straight, stringy hair:

  • Speaking in either an overly high-pitched or excessively husky voice. (ahem…Miley Cyrus…ahem)

Douchebaguettes may be spotted anywhere, but hunters report the most success in areas such as college dorms, where they are often discovered during their post-mating ritual, the Walk of Shame.

This Public Service announcement brought to you by MEH.





Friendtastic Friday 4/2

2 04 2010

Friendtastic Friday time again already!

Let’s start out with a fellow Wisconsinite and beisty fitch:

Sara at Sara’s Organized Chaos (and her quest to take over the world)

That should pretty much be all you need to know.

Next, if you happen to love Brits and quarterlife crisises as much as I do, you’ll want to check out Beyond Rage.

Oh, also, another award!

Again from the always adorable Stacy at Stacy Says.

The only blog I stalk, besides Stacy’s, that posts as much as I would like is Lamb Around, so I pass this one on to her.

Oh wait….what’s that? Another award? Again from the fabulous Stacy?

Awww, cutest award ever!

I have to give this one to Crazy Brunette Chick, even though we know she just spits on such formalities. It’s part of her charm.

Then I’ll pass it on to two of my real life BFFs who happen to blog at:

Inorite

and

DianaPrichard.com

even though he is too good to post anymore, and she is far too classy and professional to post such silliness.

It’s the thought that counts, bitches.

Happy Good Friday and Easter to those who are into the whole Jesus thing.

And Happy Spring to the rest of us!





I believe it’s time to cheer up

1 04 2010