I don’t care what you put in your face.

6 08 2012

If you just met me, I’ll let you in on a little spoiler: I don’t give a shit what you do or don’t eat. I don’t give a shit about most of your personal habits, in fact, but we’ll get into that later.

I don’t eat much meat. The way most of it is processed makes me want to puke and honestly, I just don’t like it that much. I’m more of a carb fan. Do you care? Good. Didn’t think so.

No one wants to hear about how you eat only organic soybeans and drink only naturally carbonated spring water infused with probiotics. I do not feel inferior to you because of what you shove into your pie bean hole. I have a pretty good grasp of nutrition. Sometimes I adhere to it, and sometimes I don’t give a flying fuck. Some douchebag’s opinion on why it’s wrong to kill dandelions for my PMS tea because it’s the only remaining component of unicorns’ natural diet is not going to change my habits, ever.

You’ll be sorry. Bitch.

Nourish yourself with nothing but cute baby animals and african orphans if you want, just please stop acting like it’s some kind of new hobby that I’m dying to be educated about. I’m not. If I’m interested, I’ll google it.

And then clear my search history before anyone finds out.





Guess Who’s Back Bitches

1 06 2010

Backstreet.

Hah.

No.

I’m back. If you wanna be my friend you have to endure a little self pitying withdrawal fest once in a while. That’s just how I roll. You’ll get used to it.

Anywhoz,

I was driving along the other day, when I notice in front of me a van with the following lettered across the back window:

‘ChildProofers of Wisconsin- Simple Solutions for a Safe Home’

What. The fuck.

It really takes a professional to tell you to put the knives away and move the lighters and bong to a higher shelf?

For starters, when I was a kid I sure as hell don’t remember ever seeing a baby gate or outlet cover in my house.

When little caveman babies got too close and fell into the fire, did they start fencing them off with little prehistoric baby gates? No. That baby didn’t grow up and contribute to the gene pool.

And our species is better off for it.

If you must insist on reversing natural selection, at least use common fucking sense instead of paying some douchebag who calls themself a “professional babyproofer.”

For fuck’s sake!

Oh, and expect me to get back to stalking all your asses too.

See you soon! ❤





Yeah, I Suck

20 05 2010

Meh.

I haven’t been posting lately. Why? Because I’m depressed as hell and I’m a bitter little bitch.

I don’t want to post about how I’m so broke I have to skip a bill or two every month to buy groceries or about how I can’t seem to get even a shitty part time minimum wage job and I’ll never get to go to school and woe is me I hate my life, blah blah fucking blah.

I also haven’t been reading many of you because, like I said, I’m a fucking bitter bitch and I don’t want to hear about how you’re graduating college or got a sweet new job or how you’re going on an expensive vacation with your perfect spouse or spending the weekend at the spa, or can’t decide whether you want to become a lawyer or a doctor.

So,

until I have something other than negativity* to spread around, I’ll probably be staying pretty quiet.

I’ll be back.

*Obviously this blog is built on negativity, but I mean negativity that isn’t even entertaining.





Survey says

8 04 2010

Ahh, Day Time Television,

I had forgotten that there is a reason I broke it off with you.

Sure, we may meet up occasionally for a friends-with-benefits quickie, but I could never take you seriously.

You draw me in with promises of a 76 lb manorexic, only to insert into my head the notion that I am too tall to live to 100, and will die a painful death of liver failure if my legs aren’t at least 29 inches long.

Then, you yell at me and insult me by insinuating that I can’t read…

and drive the point home by convincing me that I am, in fact, an imbecile who should have never been allowed to graduate from elementary school.

I’m going to need some time to get over this, DTT.

Now please excuse me while I go measure my inseam.

PS: I’ve decided to make a page for Le Meh on Facebook and take the link to my personal page down so I can use it for the more “real life” obligations. So, check the sidebar and become a fan!





Get Yer Binoculars Out!

5 04 2010

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and summer is fast approaching. This means if you start paying attention, you may be able to have the  prestigious pleasure of catching an early glimpse of this season’s (not so) elusive creature:

The Douchebaguette.


While Douchebags are easy to spot running rampant year-round, the Douchebaguette mainly shows her true colors in summer. As soon as the temperature outside reaches 60ºF, the Douchebaguette can no longer resist the urge to break out the ass-cheek baring shorts. You see, they have been paying good money all year to get their orange glow fake n’ bake tan ready for this very moment.

Douchebaguettes share several traits with their Douchebag counterparts, such as:

  • preoccupation with physical appearance, exhibited by behaviors such as excessive tanning and gym obsession. Douchebaguettes may also show signs of body modification, such as acrylic fingernails, breast implants and hair extensions.
  • Ignorance, blissful or otherwise.
  • Tendency to pose for photos holding alcoholic beverages.

Other giveaways include:

  • skunk-like two-tone, straight, stringy hair:

  • Speaking in either an overly high-pitched or excessively husky voice. (ahem…Miley Cyrus…ahem)

Douchebaguettes may be spotted anywhere, but hunters report the most success in areas such as college dorms, where they are often discovered during their post-mating ritual, the Walk of Shame.

This Public Service announcement brought to you by MEH.





I’m not passive aggress….shit.

1 04 2010

I like to play therapist. Psychology is one of my favorite things. As in I read Psychology Today for fun.

Shuddup.

I frequently make observations about how passive aggressive most people are. Passive aggressive behavior surfaces when a person represses emotions/reactions due to a perceived need for acceptance.

For example, let’s say I am really angry at Bill because Bill stole my idea for a self-cleaning bread machine. But, my need to be accepted by everyone makes the idea of confronting Bill directly overwhelming to me. So, I slander Bill anonymously on the internet and egg his car under the cover of night, meanwhile continuing my contact with him as if nothing has happened. Or maybe I start pointing out all of the idea’s flaws and weaknesses and convince Bill that it is a useless invention that no one would ever buy, and then steal it back. Anything to avoid confrontation over the original issue.

I like to pride myself on the fact that I don’t engage much in passive aggressive tactics. I don’t like to dance around issues. Or so I thought.

Then I realized….I do have a passive aggressive crutch: becoming a fan of things on Facebook.

I’ve had a bit of a rough week. I’ve been upset about some things that I don’t want to admit being upset about, along with having my personal brand of blatantly psychotic PMS.  Take a look at some of the pages I’ve become a Facebook fan of:

Oh.

Shit.





This is why I hate yourface

29 03 2010

I’m in a list kind of mood lately. If you don’t like it….well, you can suck it.

There are a few personality traits that can pretty much automatically earn you a spot on my I Hope You Die in a Fire I Don’t Want to be Your Friend, Ever list.

1. The 1-Upper

Gee, I’m really quite upset about my dog breaking her leg.”

“Try having your dog disemboweled by your legally blind neighbor’s lawn mower in front of a passing troop of Girl Scouts. Now that was upsetting!”

There is no story or concern too big or too small. They will find a way to 1-up you each and every time. I know everyone relates things to their own experiences, but it is possible to do that without minimizing the feelings of others.  All it takes is a “Oh wow, I’m really sorry that happened” to prevent being a huge douchebag and instead be a potential friend/decent human being.

2. The No-Show


Oh, how this pisses me off. Especially if you are the one who initiated the plans. If you must back out of your own plans, there are countless ways in which to notify a person of your cancellation in this day and age. Call, text, email, IM, etc. Use them, fuckface! My time may not be going for hundreds of dollars an hour lately, but it still has value to me. You are sending me a clear message that you just do not give a shit, and you can bet your inconsiderate ass that it will be noted.

3. The Racist/Homophobe/[insert ignorant douchebaggery here]

We’re all people. Get the fuck over it. At the end of the day if you can’t appreciate a person for who they are, all politics and preconceived notions aside, you are the flawed one.

4. The “Fatty”


If you are smaller than me, do not complain to me about being fat. You are calling me fat. Maybe not directly, but there is no way around it. I don’t appreciate it. I have been guilty of this one when I was young  and had not yet experienced it myself, and for that I am truly apologetic and almost wish that someone had punched me in the face.

5. The Saint

“I don’t even say ‘ass’ in front of my kids!”

“I would never have a drink with my children in the house!”

“Oh, I don’t eat the sugar.”

Well, I do. So you and your condescending gaze can fuck off. I hope it’s lonely at the top of that ladder of superiority.

As you can see, I’m still just a ray of sunshine. Back alley hysterectomy, here I come.