I Got This

5 10 2011

So it turns out that living with a bunch of dudes tends to make you think that you can not only sit around hitting the bong and watching Toddlers & Tiaras like one of the guys…

Ahem.

…but also that you can throw back calories like one.

I can probably count the types of vegetables I’ve eaten in the past month on one hand. The varieties of corn chips and processed cheese products, though? Oh, the many. Those size 6 jeans I was oh so happy to purchase two months ago are starting to fit like a muffin tin.

Never fear, though, The Internet has my back(fat)! I’ve narrowed it down to three effortless, completely fail-proof methods to whip myself back into shape:

1. Wash away the fat!

There is a product that actually claims to have the ability to reduce your body fat by 20% just by you slathering it on in the shower, thanks to extracts from a rare seaweed. Seems legit, right? Fuck jogging.

2. Get a phone. 2 a) Attach dumbbell to phone. 2 b) Answer phone repeatedly.

Screw pushups. Thanks Japan!

3. The future’s so fat, I gotta wear blue shades.

Apparently blue is the most unappetizing color, since it’s so rare in nature. So, all we have to do is make food look blue and we won’t want to eat it anymore! Up yours, dieting.

I’ll let you know how it works out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go watch a three year old get a bikini wax on TLC.

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Yeah, I Suck

20 05 2010

Meh.

I haven’t been posting lately. Why? Because I’m depressed as hell and I’m a bitter little bitch.

I don’t want to post about how I’m so broke I have to skip a bill or two every month to buy groceries or about how I can’t seem to get even a shitty part time minimum wage job and I’ll never get to go to school and woe is me I hate my life, blah blah fucking blah.

I also haven’t been reading many of you because, like I said, I’m a fucking bitter bitch and I don’t want to hear about how you’re graduating college or got a sweet new job or how you’re going on an expensive vacation with your perfect spouse or spending the weekend at the spa, or can’t decide whether you want to become a lawyer or a doctor.

So,

until I have something other than negativity* to spread around, I’ll probably be staying pretty quiet.

I’ll be back.

*Obviously this blog is built on negativity, but I mean negativity that isn’t even entertaining.





I believe it’s time to cheer up

1 04 2010




I’m not passive aggress….shit.

1 04 2010

I like to play therapist. Psychology is one of my favorite things. As in I read Psychology Today for fun.

Shuddup.

I frequently make observations about how passive aggressive most people are. Passive aggressive behavior surfaces when a person represses emotions/reactions due to a perceived need for acceptance.

For example, let’s say I am really angry at Bill because Bill stole my idea for a self-cleaning bread machine. But, my need to be accepted by everyone makes the idea of confronting Bill directly overwhelming to me. So, I slander Bill anonymously on the internet and egg his car under the cover of night, meanwhile continuing my contact with him as if nothing has happened. Or maybe I start pointing out all of the idea’s flaws and weaknesses and convince Bill that it is a useless invention that no one would ever buy, and then steal it back. Anything to avoid confrontation over the original issue.

I like to pride myself on the fact that I don’t engage much in passive aggressive tactics. I don’t like to dance around issues. Or so I thought.

Then I realized….I do have a passive aggressive crutch: becoming a fan of things on Facebook.

I’ve had a bit of a rough week. I’ve been upset about some things that I don’t want to admit being upset about, along with having my personal brand of blatantly psychotic PMS.  Take a look at some of the pages I’ve become a Facebook fan of:

Oh.

Shit.





This is why I hate yourface

29 03 2010

I’m in a list kind of mood lately. If you don’t like it….well, you can suck it.

There are a few personality traits that can pretty much automatically earn you a spot on my I Hope You Die in a Fire I Don’t Want to be Your Friend, Ever list.

1. The 1-Upper

Gee, I’m really quite upset about my dog breaking her leg.”

“Try having your dog disemboweled by your legally blind neighbor’s lawn mower in front of a passing troop of Girl Scouts. Now that was upsetting!”

There is no story or concern too big or too small. They will find a way to 1-up you each and every time. I know everyone relates things to their own experiences, but it is possible to do that without minimizing the feelings of others.  All it takes is a “Oh wow, I’m really sorry that happened” to prevent being a huge douchebag and instead be a potential friend/decent human being.

2. The No-Show


Oh, how this pisses me off. Especially if you are the one who initiated the plans. If you must back out of your own plans, there are countless ways in which to notify a person of your cancellation in this day and age. Call, text, email, IM, etc. Use them, fuckface! My time may not be going for hundreds of dollars an hour lately, but it still has value to me. You are sending me a clear message that you just do not give a shit, and you can bet your inconsiderate ass that it will be noted.

3. The Racist/Homophobe/[insert ignorant douchebaggery here]

We’re all people. Get the fuck over it. At the end of the day if you can’t appreciate a person for who they are, all politics and preconceived notions aside, you are the flawed one.

4. The “Fatty”


If you are smaller than me, do not complain to me about being fat. You are calling me fat. Maybe not directly, but there is no way around it. I don’t appreciate it. I have been guilty of this one when I was young  and had not yet experienced it myself, and for that I am truly apologetic and almost wish that someone had punched me in the face.

5. The Saint

“I don’t even say ‘ass’ in front of my kids!”

“I would never have a drink with my children in the house!”

“Oh, I don’t eat the sugar.”

Well, I do. So you and your condescending gaze can fuck off. I hope it’s lonely at the top of that ladder of superiority.

As you can see, I’m still just a ray of sunshine. Back alley hysterectomy, here I come.





Strip my mind

18 03 2010

I’m having what I call a ‘reflective’ day today.

One where I can’t seem to step out of my own mind.

My quarterlife crisis rages on and I get the impression that it will continue until the point where I can just switch over to calling it a midlife crisis.

A lifelong friend of mine just called me to share the great news that she is now officially a nurse. (Congratulations Brookie!)

This brings up the inevitable question to myself…..what the hell am I doing with my life? The answer seems to be….not much.

This is not what I pictured for myself at 25. In fact, it is so far from what I pictured that I sometimes want to double-check to make sure that I wasn’t abducted by aliens at some point.

I still want the same things for myself that I wanted when I was 18. I have just somehow made it impossible to get them.

I want to be an addictions counselor. There, I actually put it out there in black and white for probably the first time since I was 17.

I know I have qualities that allow me to listen to people without judgment and to have sympathy while remaining objective. I know I have a gift for getting people to open up to me. Sometimes people I’ve barely even met. I know that I have had an inside view into the life and mindset of an addict more than once. I know that I want to help people improve their lives and be able to view themselves in a positive light, and understand the causes for the behavior that led them to self-destruction.

I think about this often.

But then, reality settles in.

How would I ever manage to put myself through school? The Balls and Chain makes too much money for me to qualify for significant financial aid. Even if I go into massive student loan debt…..what would I do with my kid? How could I afford childcare without bringing in more money?

Even if I did pull it off…..what if I fail? What if I lose interest? What if I discover that I can’t handle dealing with addicts after all? What if I’m not smart enough to get through school? What if my health goes down the shitter again? What if I can’t function through my anxiety? What if, what if, what if….

I feel like something goes to waste every day that I sit in this house watching Blue’s Clues and making peanut butter sandwiches.

But, maybe I’m just overestimating my own potential.

Maybe this is the place I’m in because it’s all I’m good enough for.

Or maybe not.

I really don’t know.

Meh.





It’s a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

16 03 2010

Do you ever realize how much more of your surroundings you notice when you’re walking versus driving?

Spring seems to be springing in these parts (for now at least) and I’ve been walking around my neighborhood each afternoon while the little heathen is off at school.

There are a few spots that I always find myself lingering or smiling at, or wondering about.

Today it is so gorgeous out that I decided to bring my trusty Kodak along and share my little neighborhood with you.

I’m so thoughtful like that. Click photos to actually see what the hell they are.

Little boxes on the hillside,
Little boxes made of ticky-tacky,
Little boxes, little boxes,
Little boxes, all the same.
There’s a green one and a pink one
And a blue one and a yellow one
And they’re all made out of ticky-tacky
And they all look just the same.

I adore this little house with the pink door:

There are two side by side little closed shops that I always wonder about when I walk by:

I wonder what the Unique Shoppe sold. Cats? Bird houses?

I am admittedly not a fan of churches or anything related to religion, but for some reason I am always a little bit charmed by this tiny church:

It’s just so tiny and so cute.

I’m sure you’re getting hungry by now, perhaps we should grab a bite to eat:

Because the cornerstone of an authentic Mexican menu is…..Miller Lite.

Ah, look at the time, I should probably wrap this scenic tour up soon.

But first, the shining gem of the neighborhood….what I refer to as the Witch House:

(Definitely click on these bitches!)

I mean really, is this not straight out of a Brothers Grimm fairy tale?

I love it. And I bet it’s just as kooky inside as it is outside. I’ll have get another picture of it later in the year when everything blooms. In the summer there is literally no grass visible in it’s yard.

Ah yes….home, sweet home.

Yaaaaay Spring!*

*If you live in a location that doesn’t get 90 inches of snow per year then you may not understand my excitement.