Yeah, I Suck

20 05 2010

Meh.

I haven’t been posting lately. Why? Because I’m depressed as hell and I’m a bitter little bitch.

I don’t want to post about how I’m so broke I have to skip a bill or two every month to buy groceries or about how I can’t seem to get even a shitty part time minimum wage job and I’ll never get to go to school and woe is me I hate my life, blah blah fucking blah.

I also haven’t been reading many of you because, like I said, I’m a fucking bitter bitch and I don’t want to hear about how you’re graduating college or got a sweet new job or how you’re going on an expensive vacation with your perfect spouse or spending the weekend at the spa, or can’t decide whether you want to become a lawyer or a doctor.

So,

until I have something other than negativity* to spread around, I’ll probably be staying pretty quiet.

I’ll be back.

*Obviously this blog is built on negativity, but I mean negativity that isn’t even entertaining.





If You Have to Ask

7 04 2010

Hey baby, what’s your sign?

Your life path number?

Your MB personality type?

What is it about people that makes us want to be categorized?

I have been fascinated by astrology since childhood, and have been awed by the accuracy of mine and some of my friends and family member’s natal charts.

I have been to psychics. I’ve had palm and tarot readings.

Maybe numbers hold the key? Or face-reading.

Chinese astrology?

When I was pre-teen I was briefly obsessed with handwriting analysis.

What does it mean that I am an INTP Capricorn Rat with a Life path Number 3 and floating irises?

I have always been one to chafe at labels, yet I continue to seek out ways to slap them on myself.

Perhaps it is easier to calculate a number, or match up a birth date, than it is to do the hard work of self discovery.

Maybe one of these occult sciences is the one we should all be listening to, while the others are nonsense.

Maybe they all have something to contribute.

It seems as much as we fight being put into boxes, we secretly want just that.

Please, someone tell me who I am. Give me an excuse for my shortcomings, and give me hope that I have innate positive traits.

Explain away why I can’t get along with that whiny Pisces or that arrogant Life Path 1.

Get out your label maker, life, and stick some on me.

Because I can’t figure this shit out on my own.





Black Heart Inertia

30 03 2010

Ever get that feeling that everyone you know is moving on to bigger things while you remain stuck motionless forever?

That eventually they will all have graduated to better lives, with better people than you in them?

And you’ll be happy for them. Really. But from afar. Because they won’t need you any more.

No?

I guess it’s just me then.





Strip my mind

18 03 2010

I’m having what I call a ‘reflective’ day today.

One where I can’t seem to step out of my own mind.

My quarterlife crisis rages on and I get the impression that it will continue until the point where I can just switch over to calling it a midlife crisis.

A lifelong friend of mine just called me to share the great news that she is now officially a nurse. (Congratulations Brookie!)

This brings up the inevitable question to myself…..what the hell am I doing with my life? The answer seems to be….not much.

This is not what I pictured for myself at 25. In fact, it is so far from what I pictured that I sometimes want to double-check to make sure that I wasn’t abducted by aliens at some point.

I still want the same things for myself that I wanted when I was 18. I have just somehow made it impossible to get them.

I want to be an addictions counselor. There, I actually put it out there in black and white for probably the first time since I was 17.

I know I have qualities that allow me to listen to people without judgment and to have sympathy while remaining objective. I know I have a gift for getting people to open up to me. Sometimes people I’ve barely even met. I know that I have had an inside view into the life and mindset of an addict more than once. I know that I want to help people improve their lives and be able to view themselves in a positive light, and understand the causes for the behavior that led them to self-destruction.

I think about this often.

But then, reality settles in.

How would I ever manage to put myself through school? The Balls and Chain makes too much money for me to qualify for significant financial aid. Even if I go into massive student loan debt…..what would I do with my kid? How could I afford childcare without bringing in more money?

Even if I did pull it off…..what if I fail? What if I lose interest? What if I discover that I can’t handle dealing with addicts after all? What if I’m not smart enough to get through school? What if my health goes down the shitter again? What if I can’t function through my anxiety? What if, what if, what if….

I feel like something goes to waste every day that I sit in this house watching Blue’s Clues and making peanut butter sandwiches.

But, maybe I’m just overestimating my own potential.

Maybe this is the place I’m in because it’s all I’m good enough for.

Or maybe not.

I really don’t know.

Meh.