Yeah, I Suck

20 05 2010


I haven’t been posting lately. Why? Because I’m depressed as hell and I’m a bitter little bitch.

I don’t want to post about how I’m so broke I have to skip a bill or two every month to buy groceries or about how I can’t seem to get even a shitty part time minimum wage job and I’ll never get to go to school and woe is me I hate my life, blah blah fucking blah.

I also haven’t been reading many of you because, like I said, I’m a fucking bitter bitch and I don’t want to hear about how you’re graduating college or got a sweet new job or how you’re going on an expensive vacation with your perfect spouse or spending the weekend at the spa, or can’t decide whether you want to become a lawyer or a doctor.


until I have something other than negativity* to spread around, I’ll probably be staying pretty quiet.

I’ll be back.

*Obviously this blog is built on negativity, but I mean negativity that isn’t even entertaining.

It’s cool, sinuses

15 04 2010

It’s not like I need to breathe through my nose or anything. I mean, that’s what my mouth is for, right?

Besides, you’re obviously busy pumping out mucus like Michelle Duggar shits out kids.

It’s cool.

Black Heart Inertia

30 03 2010

Ever get that feeling that everyone you know is moving on to bigger things while you remain stuck motionless forever?

That eventually they will all have graduated to better lives, with better people than you in them?

And you’ll be happy for them. Really. But from afar. Because they won’t need you any more.


I guess it’s just me then.

This is why I hate yourface

29 03 2010

I’m in a list kind of mood lately. If you don’t like it….well, you can suck it.

There are a few personality traits that can pretty much automatically earn you a spot on my I Hope You Die in a Fire I Don’t Want to be Your Friend, Ever list.

1. The 1-Upper

Gee, I’m really quite upset about my dog breaking her leg.”

“Try having your dog disemboweled by your legally blind neighbor’s lawn mower in front of a passing troop of Girl Scouts. Now that was upsetting!”

There is no story or concern too big or too small. They will find a way to 1-up you each and every time. I know everyone relates things to their own experiences, but it is possible to do that without minimizing the feelings of others.  All it takes is a “Oh wow, I’m really sorry that happened” to prevent being a huge douchebag and instead be a potential friend/decent human being.

2. The No-Show

Oh, how this pisses me off. Especially if you are the one who initiated the plans. If you must back out of your own plans, there are countless ways in which to notify a person of your cancellation in this day and age. Call, text, email, IM, etc. Use them, fuckface! My time may not be going for hundreds of dollars an hour lately, but it still has value to me. You are sending me a clear message that you just do not give a shit, and you can bet your inconsiderate ass that it will be noted.

3. The Racist/Homophobe/[insert ignorant douchebaggery here]

We’re all people. Get the fuck over it. At the end of the day if you can’t appreciate a person for who they are, all politics and preconceived notions aside, you are the flawed one.

4. The “Fatty”

If you are smaller than me, do not complain to me about being fat. You are calling me fat. Maybe not directly, but there is no way around it. I don’t appreciate it. I have been guilty of this one when I was young  and had not yet experienced it myself, and for that I am truly apologetic and almost wish that someone had punched me in the face.

5. The Saint

“I don’t even say ‘ass’ in front of my kids!”

“I would never have a drink with my children in the house!”

“Oh, I don’t eat the sugar.”

Well, I do. So you and your condescending gaze can fuck off. I hope it’s lonely at the top of that ladder of superiority.

As you can see, I’m still just a ray of sunshine. Back alley hysterectomy, here I come.

Five trends that make me want to stab people in the face

25 03 2010

Today is a MEH day if I’ve ever seen one. PMS is kicking my ass and I’m in constant physical pain. I’m depressed, I’m panic-inducing broke and my cat won’t stop pissing on every fucking surface she can find. Oh, and my kid is home on spring break.

Today can suck it and so can the weekend.

So, instead of boring you with more of my incessant whining, I’m going to bitch about five trends that make me want to stab the subscribers to said trends in the fucking face.

1. Everything emo.

When I was a teen we had goths. They were dark and brooding. Quietly brooding. Not the irritating, whine-ass drama queen in eyeliner bullshit that is everywhere today. Get your hair out of your goddamned eyes and shut the fuck up before I slit your wrists for you, you douchebag.

2. Repeatinggggg theeee lastttttt letterrrrr offffff wordsssss.

If you have any teen girl facebook friends you no doubt know what I’m talking about. You don’t look cool, you look like you have fucking Parkinson’s. Back away from the computer and go get back in the tanning bed, bitch.

3. Skinny jeans on fat dudes.

Not all trends are for all people. You look like an ice cream cone. And I don’t mean that in a good way AT ALL.

4. Facebook statuses that say shit like “97% of people won’t repost this.”

GOOD! That means nobody wants to fucking read the regurgitated bullshit, so don’t bother posting it. Why do people feel the need to turn everything in life into one giant fucking chain letter?

5. Leggings.

Those bitches died out after the 80’s for a reason. Because they’re fugly. Unless you’re under the age of 7, just wear some fucking pants.

The End.

This is a fucking joke, right?

22 03 2010

Something horrifying has happened.

Yesterday, the Balls n Chain and Kid finally pried me off of the couch, where I had been glued to Hulu all day, at about 3pm to go play at the park.

I dragged ass to the bathroom to make myself presentable first. And by “make presentable” I mean swap out sweats for ripped jeans and slick my dirty hair into a side-part ponytail.

I’m all about the the glamor.

So, I run the brush through and loop the rubber band, when something catches my eye in the mirror.

And there it is. One rebel strand taunting me in a sea of brunette. That’s right: a gray motherfucking hair on my 25 year old head!

[Click that shit!]

So, I did what any rational person would: pulled it out, saved it to photograph and blog about later, and then spent the rest of the night eating more than an entire day’s worth of calories in candy eggs, Corn Nuts and Sunny D.

Because fuck those 40 lbs I lost, if I’m an old hag now I may as well be fat too.

Yeah, rationality. It’s a gift.

Strip my mind

18 03 2010

I’m having what I call a ‘reflective’ day today.

One where I can’t seem to step out of my own mind.

My quarterlife crisis rages on and I get the impression that it will continue until the point where I can just switch over to calling it a midlife crisis.

A lifelong friend of mine just called me to share the great news that she is now officially a nurse. (Congratulations Brookie!)

This brings up the inevitable question to myself…..what the hell am I doing with my life? The answer seems to be….not much.

This is not what I pictured for myself at 25. In fact, it is so far from what I pictured that I sometimes want to double-check to make sure that I wasn’t abducted by aliens at some point.

I still want the same things for myself that I wanted when I was 18. I have just somehow made it impossible to get them.

I want to be an addictions counselor. There, I actually put it out there in black and white for probably the first time since I was 17.

I know I have qualities that allow me to listen to people without judgment and to have sympathy while remaining objective. I know I have a gift for getting people to open up to me. Sometimes people I’ve barely even met. I know that I have had an inside view into the life and mindset of an addict more than once. I know that I want to help people improve their lives and be able to view themselves in a positive light, and understand the causes for the behavior that led them to self-destruction.

I think about this often.

But then, reality settles in.

How would I ever manage to put myself through school? The Balls and Chain makes too much money for me to qualify for significant financial aid. Even if I go into massive student loan debt…..what would I do with my kid? How could I afford childcare without bringing in more money?

Even if I did pull it off…..what if I fail? What if I lose interest? What if I discover that I can’t handle dealing with addicts after all? What if I’m not smart enough to get through school? What if my health goes down the shitter again? What if I can’t function through my anxiety? What if, what if, what if….

I feel like something goes to waste every day that I sit in this house watching Blue’s Clues and making peanut butter sandwiches.

But, maybe I’m just overestimating my own potential.

Maybe this is the place I’m in because it’s all I’m good enough for.

Or maybe not.

I really don’t know.