I Got This

5 10 2011

So it turns out that living with a bunch of dudes tends to make you think that you can not only sit around hitting the bong and watching Toddlers & Tiaras like one of the guys…

Ahem.

…but also that you can throw back calories like one.

I can probably count the types of vegetables I’ve eaten in the past month on one hand. The varieties of corn chips and processed cheese products, though? Oh, the many. Those size 6 jeans I was oh so happy to purchase two months ago are starting to fit like a muffin tin.

Never fear, though, The Internet has my back(fat)! I’ve narrowed it down to three effortless, completely fail-proof methods to whip myself back into shape:

1. Wash away the fat!

There is a product that actually claims to have the ability to reduce your body fat by 20% just by you slathering it on in the shower, thanks to extracts from a rare seaweed. Seems legit, right? Fuck jogging.

2. Get a phone. 2 a) Attach dumbbell to phone. 2 b) Answer phone repeatedly.

Screw pushups. Thanks Japan!

3. The future’s so fat, I gotta wear blue shades.

Apparently blue is the most unappetizing color, since it’s so rare in nature. So, all we have to do is make food look blue and we won’t want to eat it anymore! Up yours, dieting.

I’ll let you know how it works out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go watch a three year old get a bikini wax on TLC.

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Guess Who’s Back Bitches

1 06 2010

Backstreet.

Hah.

No.

I’m back. If you wanna be my friend you have to endure a little self pitying withdrawal fest once in a while. That’s just how I roll. You’ll get used to it.

Anywhoz,

I was driving along the other day, when I notice in front of me a van with the following lettered across the back window:

‘ChildProofers of Wisconsin- Simple Solutions for a Safe Home’

What. The fuck.

It really takes a professional to tell you to put the knives away and move the lighters and bong to a higher shelf?

For starters, when I was a kid I sure as hell don’t remember ever seeing a baby gate or outlet cover in my house.

When little caveman babies got too close and fell into the fire, did they start fencing them off with little prehistoric baby gates? No. That baby didn’t grow up and contribute to the gene pool.

And our species is better off for it.

If you must insist on reversing natural selection, at least use common fucking sense instead of paying some douchebag who calls themself a “professional babyproofer.”

For fuck’s sake!

Oh, and expect me to get back to stalking all your asses too.

See you soon! ❤





It’s cool, sinuses

15 04 2010

It’s not like I need to breathe through my nose or anything. I mean, that’s what my mouth is for, right?

Besides, you’re obviously busy pumping out mucus like Michelle Duggar shits out kids.

It’s cool.





Survey says

8 04 2010

Ahh, Day Time Television,

I had forgotten that there is a reason I broke it off with you.

Sure, we may meet up occasionally for a friends-with-benefits quickie, but I could never take you seriously.

You draw me in with promises of a 76 lb manorexic, only to insert into my head the notion that I am too tall to live to 100, and will die a painful death of liver failure if my legs aren’t at least 29 inches long.

Then, you yell at me and insult me by insinuating that I can’t read…

and drive the point home by convincing me that I am, in fact, an imbecile who should have never been allowed to graduate from elementary school.

I’m going to need some time to get over this, DTT.

Now please excuse me while I go measure my inseam.

PS: I’ve decided to make a page for Le Meh on Facebook and take the link to my personal page down so I can use it for the more “real life” obligations. So, check the sidebar and become a fan!





Get Yer Binoculars Out!

5 04 2010

The sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and summer is fast approaching. This means if you start paying attention, you may be able to have the  prestigious pleasure of catching an early glimpse of this season’s (not so) elusive creature:

The Douchebaguette.


While Douchebags are easy to spot running rampant year-round, the Douchebaguette mainly shows her true colors in summer. As soon as the temperature outside reaches 60ºF, the Douchebaguette can no longer resist the urge to break out the ass-cheek baring shorts. You see, they have been paying good money all year to get their orange glow fake n’ bake tan ready for this very moment.

Douchebaguettes share several traits with their Douchebag counterparts, such as:

  • preoccupation with physical appearance, exhibited by behaviors such as excessive tanning and gym obsession. Douchebaguettes may also show signs of body modification, such as acrylic fingernails, breast implants and hair extensions.
  • Ignorance, blissful or otherwise.
  • Tendency to pose for photos holding alcoholic beverages.

Other giveaways include:

  • skunk-like two-tone, straight, stringy hair:

  • Speaking in either an overly high-pitched or excessively husky voice. (ahem…Miley Cyrus…ahem)

Douchebaguettes may be spotted anywhere, but hunters report the most success in areas such as college dorms, where they are often discovered during their post-mating ritual, the Walk of Shame.

This Public Service announcement brought to you by MEH.





I believe it’s time to cheer up

1 04 2010




I’m not passive aggress….shit.

1 04 2010

I like to play therapist. Psychology is one of my favorite things. As in I read Psychology Today for fun.

Shuddup.

I frequently make observations about how passive aggressive most people are. Passive aggressive behavior surfaces when a person represses emotions/reactions due to a perceived need for acceptance.

For example, let’s say I am really angry at Bill because Bill stole my idea for a self-cleaning bread machine. But, my need to be accepted by everyone makes the idea of confronting Bill directly overwhelming to me. So, I slander Bill anonymously on the internet and egg his car under the cover of night, meanwhile continuing my contact with him as if nothing has happened. Or maybe I start pointing out all of the idea’s flaws and weaknesses and convince Bill that it is a useless invention that no one would ever buy, and then steal it back. Anything to avoid confrontation over the original issue.

I like to pride myself on the fact that I don’t engage much in passive aggressive tactics. I don’t like to dance around issues. Or so I thought.

Then I realized….I do have a passive aggressive crutch: becoming a fan of things on Facebook.

I’ve had a bit of a rough week. I’ve been upset about some things that I don’t want to admit being upset about, along with having my personal brand of blatantly psychotic PMS.  Take a look at some of the pages I’ve become a Facebook fan of:

Oh.

Shit.