I Got This

5 10 2011

So it turns out that living with a bunch of dudes tends to make you think that you can not only sit around hitting the bong and watching Toddlers & Tiaras like one of the guys…

Ahem.

…but also that you can throw back calories like one.

I can probably count the types of vegetables I’ve eaten in the past month on one hand. The varieties of corn chips and processed cheese products, though? Oh, the many. Those size 6 jeans I was oh so happy to purchase two months ago are starting to fit like a muffin tin.

Never fear, though, The Internet has my back(fat)! I’ve narrowed it down to three effortless, completely fail-proof methods to whip myself back into shape:

1. Wash away the fat!

There is a product that actually claims to have the ability to reduce your body fat by 20% just by you slathering it on in the shower, thanks to extracts from a rare seaweed. Seems legit, right? Fuck jogging.

2. Get a phone. 2 a) Attach dumbbell to phone. 2 b) Answer phone repeatedly.

Screw pushups. Thanks Japan!

3. The future’s so fat, I gotta wear blue shades.

Apparently blue is the most unappetizing color, since it’s so rare in nature. So, all we have to do is make food look blue and we won’t want to eat it anymore! Up yours, dieting.

I’ll let you know how it works out. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to go watch a three year old get a bikini wax on TLC.

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